Friday, October 24, 2008

After All, Tomorrow is Another Day

I was fine today until I got talking to a friend and colleague around lunchtime about a relationship that has just ended for me. Unexpectedly, the tears welled up but I managed to get them under control until I could take lunch. I walked through this magnificent town of mine with sunglasses on, trying to control my tears and not let on to anyone that I was upset, forcing myself to try and focus on the magnificence of nature surrounding me and how lucky I am to live in one of the most beautiful areas of Australia, but it was only partially successful.

I returned to work and threw myself into my job to stop myself from thinking too much, but when I got home it all came crashing back at me and it was all I could do to spend some time talking to my daughter before taking myself off to bed at 6 pm so as not to take my misery out on her. I lay on my bed and howled like a baby for the loss of the bond with someone I was sure I was going to grow old with and blissfully, sleep gradually claimed me.

I woke about an hour ago now, a little hungry but knowing if I didn't eat I'd slip back into the type of funk I sank into around eight years ago after a similar incident where I ate little more than pretzels and drank water for what seemed like months because of depression. Fortunately it's not that bad now, and I still feel in my gut that I did the right thing in taking the stance I did that resulted in our non-communication, but I wish my heart felt the same way too.

The wisdom of the crone - I may be commencing menopause, but I wonder if I really ever will grow up to be a wise woman? I recognise that at the moment I'm in mourning - for my love, for our relationship, for that fact that even after all this time he is still in such a dark, dark place and I can't help him. I also can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to love like that again. I keep hoping for a phone call, an email, even a visit that will change the way things are, but am not sure that's the solution. I truly believe we create our own reality to a certain extent but I wonder how much fear prevents us from achieving all that we truly yearn for?

It is with a heavy heart I take myself back to bed and pray to the Old Ones for some peace and perspective. After all, tomorrow is..........


AMP said...

"I truly believe we create our own reality to a certain extent but I wonder how much fear prevents us from achieving all that we truly yearn for?"

This line HIT ME! :( I hope you will feel better...

Raven said...

Hello AMP,

Thank you for your good wishes. While I am still sad, I am at least able to appreciate the good things in my life once again, which was a bit hard when I wrote that post!

Are you willing to share in what way this statement "hit" you? I mainly started this blog to organise my own thoughts, but would love to hear other people's opinions on these things!

Thank you for sharing (please feel comfortable to say no, if you don't wish to share any more).