Above image from www.simugraph.com/
I was fine today until I got talking to a friend and colleague around lunchtime about a relationship that has just ended for me. Unexpectedly, the tears welled up but I managed to get them under control until I could take lunch. I walked through this magnificent town of mine with sunglasses on, trying to control my tears and not let on to anyone that I was upset, forcing myself to try and focus on the magnificence of nature surrounding me and how lucky I am to live in one of the most beautiful areas of Australia, but it was only partially successful.
I returned to work and threw myself into my job to stop myself from thinking too much, but when I got home it all came crashing back at me and it was all I could do to spend some time talking to my daughter before taking myself off to bed at 6 pm so as not to take my misery out on her. I lay on my bed and howled like a baby for the loss of the bond with someone I was sure I was going to grow old with and blissfully, sleep gradually claimed me.
I woke about an hour ago now, a little hungry but knowing if I didn't eat I'd slip back into the type of funk I sank into around eight years ago after a similar incident where I ate little more than pretzels and drank water for what seemed like months because of depression. Fortunately it's not that bad now, and I still feel in my gut that I did the right thing in taking the stance I did that resulted in our non-communication, but I wish my heart felt the same way too.
The wisdom of the crone - I may be commencing menopause, but I wonder if I really ever will grow up to be a wise woman? I recognise that at the moment I'm in mourning - for my love, for our relationship, for that fact that even after all this time he is still in such a dark, dark place and I can't help him. I also can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to love like that again. I keep hoping for a phone call, an email, even a visit that will change the way things are, but am not sure that's the solution. I truly believe we create our own reality to a certain extent but I wonder how much fear prevents us from achieving all that we truly yearn for?
It is with a heavy heart I take myself back to bed and pray to the Old Ones for some peace and perspective. After all, tomorrow is..........